Bedtime Power Struggle

I thought I knew a lot about parenting before I actually became a parent.  I had experience with children!  I had read books!  I had watched other parents carefully and knew what techniques I wanted to use and which I didn't!

But when I finally became a parent myself, I quickly realized how little I actually knew.  Parenting has been an extremely humbling experience.

Flash forward to a typical bed time in May, 2010.  Caleb is almost 4 yrs old--a strong-willed, energetic, and independent child. He is kicking his door and throwing toys at it as Josiah holds it shut.  He is screaming and shouting, and all of this has been going on for at least half and hour. Josiah and I are frustrated, angry, and exhausted.  We have been battling typical scenarios for at least a month. 

We are desperate.  We've tried being the good guys, and we've tried being the bad guys.  We've tried sticker charts, timers, rewards, punishments, and read lots and lots of material on the subject, but nothing seems to be working.  This isn't just about bedtime, this is about CONTROL.   And I feel that we have to win.

I do a lot of praying.  And then I call my mother-in-law.  She has a lot of experience working with difficult kids, so I ask for her advice.  She suggests something so crazy and counter-intuitive, we think it just might work.  She suggests that we sit Caleb down and tell him the following:

• We appreciate that he is strong-willed and full of energy.  These are things that will be helpful later in  life. 
• We want Caleb to succeed at filling up his sticker chart so that he can get his prize, so we are going to make it easier for him.
• We are tired of having fights at bedtime,so starting tonight, Caleb can stay up as late as he wants as long as he stays in his room and doesn't talk to us. 
• We think Caleb is old enough and responsible enough to put himself to bed from now on. 
• If Caleb comes out of his room or talks to us, we will immediately turn out the light and lock the door.
• The only reason he is to come out or talk to us is if there is an emergency--fire, blood, or if he is throwing up.  

We make sure that Caleb has all the things he needs now in his bedroom at night, so he will have no reason to come and get us.  He has his potty chair, a special snack, water, and we even leave the door open so he can keep an eye on us and feel safe, which is something we have never done before.  When Caleb is ready for bed, he has to turn off his own light, turn on his sound machine, shut his door, and climb in bed.

Here's what's crazy--it's WORKING.  We are only on day 8, but so far on average, he plays quietly in his room for an hour before putting himself to bed.  Two nights he came out and we had to enforce the rules by locking the door, after which he screamed and shouted for about two minutes before putting himself to bed.

Last night he actually said, "I don't think I want to play tonight.  I'm tired.  I just want to go straight to bed."  And he did.  

I'm not saying this will work for every kid, or trying to give advice of any kind.  We don't know what next week will bring or if Caleb will tire of the novelty.  But this week has been void of evening power struggles, and we are enjoying the peace and quiet.